The Outlaw

It was noon on the 4th of July. The sun hung high in the sky as I ran down the winding mountainside. My formerly spastic running had been replaced by something more steady; my breath was deep and even, my stride was fast and long, and the city pavement and skyline had been replaced by a pothole ridden mountain road canopied by hundred year woods. It was beautiful, and something that helped me clear my mind. Two miles down, two miles up. As I rounded the final bend down the mountain I saw the bottom of the ski slope I’d just run down,

“This is going to be a bitch back up,” I said to myself, out of breath.

In the distance I saw a local riding a 4-wheeler and though I didn’t want to take time out of my workout, I knew I’d have to stop to catch my breath before I embarked on the two mile run up the side of a mountain. And so I stopped and gazed up at the ski slope, overrun by two-foot tall grass, taking in the beauty of the mountain and the bitch I was about to conquer. I heard the 4-wheeler circle me as the rider pulled up to my right and took of his helmet to reveal his sandy brown hair, scruffy beard and bright blue eyes; he was cute, really cute. A bit rough around the edges, grease stained shirt, stonewashed jeans tucked into large work boots, his 4-wheeler had a skull and bones sticker reading “OUTLAW.” I was intrigued, at least enough to offer a smile and say,

“Hey! Happy 4th! You out here for a ride?”
“Yeah, though I wish they’d fill in all these damn potholes.” He said with a southern accent.
“Tell me about it, when I was running down here I thought I might fall in and break a leg.”

He looked up at the mountain with a bit of contempt on his face.

“It’s a shame what they’ve done to the place.”
“Yeah, looks like it could use a good lawn mower. Still, it’s beautiful.”
“Yeah, I’d love to get my hands back on her, we rented her out to a new company and they don’t keep up with any of the maintenance. You worked here?”
“No, not me.”
“Oh come on, everyone up here’s worked here.”
“No, I was born up here but we moved to New York when I was little, we come up here on weekends sometimes. What did you do here?”
“Oh me? My family owns the slope.”

You don’t say? A cute, 4-wheeler riding outlaw who owns a ski slope? Thank you karmic running gods!

…

“You go to school in New York?”
“I graduated. Trying to be a writer now.”
“Really? How’s that going?”
“Well I’m working on something now, came up here for inspiration and peace of mind. What do you do?”
“Me? I go to school studying renewable energy and I work with solar panels and a local electric company. But it’s a tough sell to people up here, not many people know about it or want to change.”
“That’s why you’ve gotta come to the city where everybody’s converted.”
“Tell me about it!”

Are you kidding me? A Cute, 4-wheeler riding outlaw who owns and ski slope and wants to save the environment? Where’s the catch?

My would be 5 minute break soon turned into a full blown conversation as I dazzled him with my knowledge of energy subsidies in the city, he talked about an eco-blog he writes for. Then he asked me how long my family had their house on the mountain, he smiled when I told him it was built in the 70s.

“Oh, so you’re one of those grandfathered houses. It just gets me when people move in from New York, no offense, and then don’t mow the lawn, it ruins the landscaping.”
“Guilty,” I had to admit my property had, until recently, looked like a 1970s Playboy centerfold.

We joked about rent and space in New York versus the country, growing up on a ski slope, I don’t imagine it would be easy for him living in an apartment, heck he said going into town was cramped for him. Yup we were a couple of opposites, thrown together by the illogical laws of fate, but who was I to fight it? He was cute and seemingly interested in my sweaty, unmakeuped self, and then there was the catch.

“But really with the company I’m with, it’s all about saving people money, It’s hard times now, feeding a family of 6 is tough, even a family of 4 like I’ve got.”

And there is was.

“Family of 4. You don’t say?” Please don’t say, please don’t say.
“Yeah, me, my girl, our little one and my dog. Dog costs more than me sometimes.”
“Hm, boy or girl?” Bubble burst.
“Boy, junior. He’s two months.”
“Wow, that’s brand new, that’s exciting.” As soon as I said that, he didn’t look too excited.
“Yeah well, it’s a bit more than I can handle right now, but you know, it happens sometimes.” I guess it sometimes does.

He hoped back on his 4-wheeler and turned the key,
“Well, I’ll let you get on you’re way, it’s hot out here.”
“Yeah, I gotta run up this thing now.” He reared his head looking up at the two miles of mountain above us.
“You could ride up it!” He smiled at me, offering me a seat on the back of his 4-wheeler.

I have to admit, I was tempted, riding up grassy ski slope on the back of a 4-wheeler, holding on to a complete, but very handsome, stranger was almost too good to pass up. And I might have actually taken him up on it if it hadn’t been for three things; his girl, junior, and the lack of an extra helmet. So I smiled and said,

“No thanks, I think I’m going to run it. Gotta prep for all the beer and hotdogs I’ll be having later! It was nice meeting you though.”
“Nice meeting you too, good luck with that writing!”

He put his helmet back on and revved the engine. I turned and took off up the mountain and didn’t look back once.

Halfway up when I felt I was going to die from the incline and the 90 degree heat, I was kicking myself for not taking the ride, but somehow I managed to make it to the top without my outlaw.

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve done a good list so here you go. I’ve noticed a trend that’s popped back up, one that hasn’t been prevalent so much in our culture since the 70′s, you know what I’m talking about… mustaches. Twirl them, comb them, ride them, they’re all the same… or so I thought. I have to admit, while I go weak in the knees for facial hair, the one type that always gave me the “there’s a child molester breathing down the back of my neck” shivers were mustaches… up until now that is. I see it all the time now, men sporting bare faces with a snuggled upper lip and I have to say… it’s kind of turning me on.

So I took it upon myself to embrace this new trend of male grooming (because let’s face it, any kind of male grooming should be embraced. Am I right ladies?!) and I’ve compiled the ultimate list! So here it is, the good, the bad and the ugly in MUSTACHES!

Hot Mustaches

Honorable Mustaches

Evil Mustaches

DISCLAIMER: I’m not telling every guy out there to grow a mustache just because you can. You need a certain type of face, a certain refinement, and a certain confidence to pull one off correctly. Please see the above examples for good mustaches and bad mustaches.

It must be that time of the month again! My May issue of Cosmopolitan, staring Paramore’s Hayley Williams, came in the mail! And as per our agreement, I’ve thumbed through the countless ads for self-tanner and diet pills to find the very best, this month’s issue has to offer! And as per our agreement, you shall read what I have to say. Now go! READ IT!

Hayley Williams: Corn Dog of Revenge pg. 46-49

The Rubber-Band Effect pg. 144-147

I Have Orgasms All Day Long pg. 214-215

Sex Moves His Ex Didn’t Do pg. 141-143

How Guys Really Feel About Your BO pg. 82

Decode His Texts pg. 256

May Look Book

Check out full scans of Hayley’s boring interview.

The Hit On & Run

So this morning I woke up a bit early to go jogging by the Hudson River. Something I like to do when it’s a nice, sunny morning, like it was today. The only problem was, I felt like shit. The week had worn on me and the last thing I wanted to do on a Friday morning was to go run for an hour.

But I did it anyway.

I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and threw on my all back outfit (I looked like I was attending a professional jogger’s funeral) and I hit the pavement. The hour went by, and just three blocks away from my apartment, the sweet release of my shower and giant bottle of water I was stopped at a light.

“Excuse me miss,”
I turn to see a man had approached me and was looking me up and down. Mind you I have no make up on, extra baggy eyes, am pretty sweaty from my workout and having forgotten to put on deodorant, probably smelly. The one thing I did have working for me were my thin-fit technology sewn yoga pants that made my legs and ass look much more toned than they actually are.
“Yeah,” I panted.
“How many miles would you say you run?”
“About four,” I looked around, the light was about to change.
“Wow, that’s about, that’s like, a-” He was trying to do the math.
“That’s about 80 blocks, that’s good. So, um-”
The light changed.
“Gotta run!” I ran across the street and could make out his parting words.
“Keep up the good work!”

Best. Exit. Strategy. Ever.

Britney Spears debuted her newest music video today, for Till The World Ends, which should be said is a slightly better song than Hold It Against Me, but taking into account the nauseating amount of brain power it takes to get it unstuck from your mind’s playlist, it’s probably about equal to anything Rebecca Black could give birth to. (Jesus Christ that was a long sentence.) That being said, I’m sure I’ll be singing and dancing to this song by the weekend.

Brit’s video tells the tale of the fated date in the not so distant future, December 21, 2012, when the Mayans predicted the world will end. Brit is held up in a basement with a few of her most beloved back up dancers, grinding up on one another waiting for apocalypse to come only to realize, upon poking her head out of a manhole, that the sun has come up and indeed she will see another day as a 30 year-old (that’s how old Britney will be in 2012.)

Now we all know that ever since Britney went a little cray-cray, she hasn’t been the same pop princess she was in her “virgin” years, but someone took extra special care to cut out all the real Britney dance sequences of her latest vid to prove it. Below is the whole 30 seconds of Britney gyrating to prove, once and for all, that Britney Jean Spears can no longer cut a rug. It’s really sad, but we all have to face the music (pun intended) some day and realize that Britney is way too drugged up to shake it like she used to. Either that or she’s a drone and they haven’t figured out how to give robots rhythm yet. God I hope I can still shake my ass when I’m closing in on my third decade of life.

And for reference and good measure, here’s Britney in her dancing years. Skip to 1:18 for some serious dance skillz. See the difference?

The music video for Katy Perry’s E.T. featuring Kanye West premiered on MTV.com today and being that I’ve dedicated many a post to MissKaty I just had to comment. Now I could have gone with a headline that read “Katy Perry’s E.T. Is Out Of This World” or something equally repulsive, but that would be both tacky and untrue. Granted, E.T. is lightyears beyond Firework, both in music video and songitude, but I have to admit that I was expecting something a wee bit more than what I got. Katy Perry only has three costume changes, four if you count her alien transformation, and she’s basically a little flowy ball orbiting while Kanye West has the occasional angry outburst while holding his crotch (typical).

Something I will give MissKaty credit for is proving me right. E.T., along with Lady Gaga’s Born This Way and Britney Spears’ Hold It Against Me music video, is just putting a big fat “right” on my forehead for all the world to see. In my Futuristic Feminist post I talked about the move of female artists into the future. And mark my words, you’re going to see more of it. The transformation from tarty little girl pop stars to androgynous and beautifully deformed future ladies is only going to be more pronounced in the coming year. But we’ll leave that for later, for now, just enjoy the E.T. picture book I created for you!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Today RadCooks is celebrating 1 of the top 5 drinking holidays by going green (and I don’t mean in the eco way.) RadCooks will be covered in clovers for today only, so you should all be grateful that I’m giving your eyes a rest from my previous background. This time last year I was celebrating my 25% Irish heritage by waking up at noon, feasting on bounteous Chipotle and beginning my Irish Car Bombing promptly at 3pm. This year I woke up at 7am, went running on the Hudson river and won’t begin my drinking until a ridiculously late hour of 8pm. Oh how times change!

Oh well… here’s my list of 10 Cliché Things To Do On St. Patrick’s Day!

1. Start drinking before noon and only drink: Guinness and/or any green beer, Jameson (or other Irish whiskey), Irish Car Bombs, Irish coffee, or fermented potato water (I believe they call it vodka.)
2. Get into a bar fight and then buy your foe a pint.
3. Eat corned beef, cabbage and potatoes.
4. Go to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in NYC (but only if you’re so far gone that you don’t actually know you’re at the St. Patrick’s Day Parade.)
5. Call someone out for celebrating YOUR holiday because THEY are NOT Irish (even if you might not exactly be Irish either.)
6. Make out with a hot Irishman or Irishlady.
7. Wear green… and lots of it.
8. Eat Lucky Charms for breakfast.
9. Go into your nearest pet shop and free as many snakes as possible.
10. Play a drinking game to “Leprechaun”, every time Jenny Aniston falls in a patch of clovers take a shot.

And here’s to the town that will surely be covered in green piss by the morning!

What, can I say? It’s been a while. It seems while one of my original From Scratch monthly posts recapping the cockamamie advice of one Cosmopolitan Magazine has been good to me with a plentitude of hits, I have not been very good to it, throwing it to the wayside in exchange for copious amounts of Ke$ha posts. Well I’m sorry, to the Cosmo rag and RadCooks faithfuls alike. I was doing all over you, myself included, a disservice of massive proportions. But don’t fret, my duties to the Sex Bible will no longer go untended.

What’s the change in attitude, say you? Well dear internet-mongers, it’s Lent, and as a terrible Catholic and one who’s never kept a Lent Resolution (what do you call what you give up for 40 days?) I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf. I’m not giving anything up this Lent, because that would be counter-productive, instead I’m going to do something. And what shall I do, you ask? I’m going to do reading! It’s really quite shameful, I’m a writer, in and out, I write for fun, I write for leisure, I write for pay, I write because I’m always right but I don’t read. So I’m going to, at least for the next 40 days (hopefully.)

Today I’m reading Cosmo’s April edition, cover to cover, even the monthly rape article. I know what you’re thinking, Cosmo isn’t real reading, well to you I say, baby steps, my friend. Tomorrow I’m hitting Freud’s “Three Contributions To The Theory of Sex,” but tonight, tonight I read about PC muscles and mildly kinky sex! Without further ado, here’s your Cosmo Recap for April 2011 starring Tron: Legacy‘s Olivia Wilde!

Cosmo Cover Girl: Olivia Wilde pg. 48-51

Birth Control Break Down: Why Your Method Sucks, Plus A NEW Condom & Morning After Pill! pg. 162-165

The Sexy Side Of Ovulation pg. 158-159

A Three-Step Guide To The Full Body Orgasm pg. 134

101 Things About Men: ORLY?! pg. 70-73

MacGyver Beauty Tips pg. 203-207

Your Hair Might Look Good, But It Can Also Give You Cancer! pg. 176

Read Olivia Wilde’s full article below!

Here are the 83rd Academy Award Winers in the order it went down on the show… at leas the ones I was willing to bet my honor on.

Art Direction: Alice In Wonderland

My Prediction: The King’s Speech, okay so I got one wrong, but does this category really matter to anyone who’s not an art director?

Cinematography: Inception

My Prediction: The Social Network, I have to say I probably dropped the ball on this prediction, but they’re totally different styles and I’m eating my words so there!

Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo

She dropped the F-bomb at the Oscars! Not Kla$$y.

Best Animated Feature: Toy Story 3

Consolation prize.

Adapted Screenplay: The Social Network

Done…

Original Screenplay: The King’s Speech

and done.

Best Foreign Language Film: In A Better World

Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale

Prime time free advertising for an ex-crack addict’s boxing gym!

Best Original Score: The Social Network

Long live rock n’ roll!

Sound Mixing: Inception

Sound Editing: Inception

Documentary Feature: Inside Job

My Prediction: Gasland, okay I admitted I hadn’t seen any of these movies… even the trailers.

Visual Effects: Inception

Film Editing: The Social Network

Best Original Song: Toy Story 3

My Prediction: Country Strong, not really a real predication more of a pipe dream.

Best Director: Tom Hooper

My Prediction: David Fincher, as soon as Tom Hooper’s name was announced I knew The Social Network had a shot in hell of winning Best Picture.

Best Actress: Natalie Portman

Best Actor: Colin Firth

Best Picture: The King’s Speech

My Prediction: The Social Network, as I said in my predictions post, the safe bet would be The King’s Speech, it’s a very Oscars movie. And while I’m not upset at all about the outcome of this, I chose to go with the more risky prediction with The Social Network because the Oscars were going in a younger direction but leave it to the oldies to go with the predictable pick. C’est la vie. Regardless it was a great year in film and a bearable Oscars… and that’s really all I could ever ask for.

My Score: 12/18

Click for full list of winners!

Welcome to The 83rd Academy Awards Red Carpet Fashion Roundup! Get ready for some awesome and watermarked images… because I don’t have the money to pay for the rights for any of this shit! Go Getty Watermarks!

Click the links below to be fashioned!

Best Dressed

Worst Dressed

Oscar Couples

Red Carpet Man Candy