COSMO: What I Learned In May 2011

It must be that time of the month again! My May issue of Cosmopolitan, staring Paramore’s Hayley Williams, came in the mail! And as per our agreement, I’ve thumbed through the countless ads for self-tanner and diet pills to find the very best, this month’s issue has to offer! And as per our agreement, you shall read what I have to say. Now go! READ IT!

Hayley Williams: Corn Dog of Revenge pg. 46-49

The Rubber-Band Effect pg. 144-147

I Have Orgasms All Day Long pg. 214-215

Sex Moves His Ex Didn’t Do pg. 141-143

How Guys Really Feel About Your BO pg. 82

Decode His Texts pg. 256

May Look Book

Check out full scans of Hayley’s boring interview.

COSMO: What I Learned In April 2011

What, can I say? It’s been a while. It seems while one of my original From Scratch monthly posts recapping the cockamamie advice of one Cosmopolitan Magazine has been good to me with a plentitude of hits, I have not been very good to it, throwing it to the wayside in exchange for copious amounts of Ke$ha posts. Well I’m sorry, to the Cosmo rag and RadCooks faithfuls alike. I was doing all over you, myself included, a disservice of massive proportions. But don’t fret, my duties to the Sex Bible will no longer go untended.

What’s the change in attitude, say you? Well dear internet-mongers, it’s Lent, and as a terrible Catholic and one who’s never kept a Lent Resolution (what do you call what you give up for 40 days?) I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf. I’m not giving anything up this Lent, because that would be counter-productive, instead I’m going to do something. And what shall I do, you ask? I’m going to do reading! It’s really quite shameful, I’m a writer, in and out, I write for fun, I write for leisure, I write for pay, I write because I’m always right but I don’t read. So I’m going to, at least for the next 40 days (hopefully.)

Today I’m reading Cosmo’s April edition, cover to cover, even the monthly rape article. I know what you’re thinking, Cosmo isn’t real reading, well to you I say, baby steps, my friend. Tomorrow I’m hitting Freud’s “Three Contributions To The Theory of Sex,” but tonight, tonight I read about PC muscles and mildly kinky sex! Without further ado, here’s your Cosmo Recap for April 2011 starring Tron: Legacy‘s Olivia Wilde!

Cosmo Cover Girl: Olivia Wilde pg. 48-51

Birth Control Break Down: Why Your Method Sucks, Plus A NEW Condom & Morning After Pill! pg. 162-165

The Sexy Side Of Ovulation pg. 158-159

A Three-Step Guide To The Full Body Orgasm pg. 134

101 Things About Men: ORLY?! pg. 70-73

MacGyver Beauty Tips pg. 203-207

Your Hair Might Look Good, But It Can Also Give You Cancer! pg. 176

Read Olivia Wilde’s full article below!

Rihanna’s S&M Music Video & The Futuristic Feminist

Rihanna‘s music video for S&M hit the web today, and I have to say, for someone, who’s not a huge RiRi fan, I am really diggin’ this jam. And by dig I mean I’ve already watched the video at least a dozen times, hoping that the replays of the kinktastic video wouldn’t deter my coworkers from being my friends! This video is hot, it was shot by Melina Matsoukas, who also directed Rihanna’s Rude Boy video. This chorus just melts me,

Cause I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me

The music video depicts Rihanna, in all sorts of colorful getups, involved in a sadomasochistic relationship with the media. And as in any good S&M relationship, the couple that is Rihanna and the media hounds switch up the role play; in one scene, Rihanna is bound in cellophane at a press conference, in the next she’s taking her gagged pet, blogger Perez Hilton, out for a walk. In an interview with MTV’s Sway, Rihanna talks about her the song and says it’s not about sex, it’s a metaphor. From the looks of her video I’m assuming she’s calling the relationship between celebrity and media sadomasochistic. She describes the song as rebellious, in-your-face, and unapologetic, and that is exactly how I would describe The Futuristic Feminist.

What is the Futuristic Feminist? I’m glad you asked! The Futuristic Feminist, is a a trend, a new wave of female artist (mostly scene in popular music) that is overly sexual, ostentatious, witty, shocking and statement making. We’ve seen this trend is several female artists; Lady Gaga is probably the most direct in her approach, Nicki Minaj introduced the Hip Hop community into the future, Christina Aguilera tried to with Bionic (but she’s too old), even Ke$ha (with her We R Who We R music video) and Katy Perry (with her California Gurls style) have dabbled in Futuristic Feminism.

As we continue along the path of technology = life, we see this idea reflected in the styling of popular artists. We believe we are in the future, so the Futuristic Feminist styles herself as she would envision her futuristic form. Part feminist, part robot, she uses her sexuality as a means to gain attention for her cause; she is the literal definition of a Fembot. No doubt, this trend will continue, and I’m not going to talk about who started it (I know all the Little Monsters out there will swear it was Lady Gaga) but there were innovative female artists before her and there will be innovative female artists after her. The important thing is that these female artists will continue to try and one-up one another, which is really just a great thing for everybody. The drooling sperm-producers of the world will get to stare with open mouths and trousers at the hotness that is the Futuristic Feminist, and she’ll get to subtly implant her message across the globe! I love it when we’re sneaky!

This video is so gorgeous, of course it would have it’s own gallery!

Four Words: OCTOMOM SPANKING FETISH VIDEO

I knew that’d be enough to draw you sickos in! It’s true, Nadya Suleman aka the Octomom has made a fetish video in which she spanks (rather daintily actually) radio personality Tattoo. I found it hard to sit through this video for several reasons, (1) Homegirl needs some acting lessons, she’s hardly believable as a person let alone a skanked up leather-clad babysitter. (2) You have eight kids and you don’t know how to spank correctly? For someone dressed up like a dominatrix wannabe you better be able to crack the whip with some feeling. (3) I wanted to jump into the video Mary Poppins style and handle the whip myself because all that whining and raspy baby talk was making me want to stab my eardrums with knitting needles. And (4) Who says that a fetish video has to be such low quality? What, would it kill the producer to spring for some lighting, or maybe a tripod? I guess all the production money went to those killer costumes and amazing ball pit.

But I guess a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. She doesn’t have any baby daddies to scam for child support and lord knows the new health care bill isn’t going to pay for all that collagen… and silicone… and tummy tucks. I just can’t wait until these kids grow up and see the publicity hell storm they were born into. Can Angelina Jolie please come adopt them now?! They’re still young, they probably won’t even be able to tell the difference.

Well, here is it. Why do I do this to myself?

Via Dlisted

Homicidal Maniac Barbie

Every little girl goes through a stage where she begins to outgrow her Barbies. It usually coincides with the time that she realizes that Barbies have no body hair, genitals, or physiologically possible proportions. During this time every little girl, whether they want to admit it or not, plays with their Barbies in a way that the Mattel makers would not intend for them to be played with (little girls make their Barbies have sex.) But one little girl, went above and beyond in her pre-pubescent Barbie doll playing days, and that little girl was named Mariel Clayton. Though it should be said, artist Mariel Clayton never actually outgrew her Barbies, she just invented fun, new ways to play with them.

Mariel started out with an interest in travel photography and after what she describes as a “sublime experience” in a Japanese toy shop she became enthralled with photographing miniatures, specifically Barbies with a feminist, homicidal, psycho-sexual edge. Mariel describes her fascination with the Barbie doll,

Barbie was designed as the woman that every girl would want to be, and that every man would want to fuck. Her body design, the blonde hair, the tiny waist, the perky tits – all part of this new feminine ideal to be held up as a guiding beacon of womanhood. and yet – outside of an aesthetically enhanced sector of society, the number of women who actually look like that naturally is decidedly small. The Sex life of the Girl with no Genitals. Definitely NSFW.

Considering the anatomy and design of the Barbie and placing it in situations ranging from mass murder, cannibalism, sodomy, and abortion creates an uncomfortable dissonance that is just way too far out and groovy for words. Mariel describes her message,

I don’t generally like to be all moralistic and preachy, there’s enough people out there who get off on the sound of their own voice. But every now and then some things I notice just need to be processed in a different way.

You can order prints of Mariel’s work, which can be printed on anything from greeting cards to large canvas mounts. Her print work ranges from $60-$160, which is a bargain considering how big a conversation piece these puppies are, perfect for any cocktail party. I think I’ll get a triptych to hang in my bathroom!

Here’s a little gallery of my favorite pieces as seen on her website. Some NSFW

Via ONTD

RadFem Of The Golden Globes: Paz de la Huerta

Welcome to a special Golden Globes edition of RadFem! Last night, while you were all tucked into your beds wishing you were at the famed Golden Globes After Party so was our most recent RadFem. TMZ caught the always Kla$$y Lucy Danziger flailing about outside the party after being denied for celebrating roaring 20s style!

Name: Paz de la Huerta (it means “peace of the orchard” in Spanish)

Birthday: September 3, 1984

Claim To Fame: After playing several small rolls that required her to be naked she finally got her break on Boardwalk Empire as Lucy Danziger, a slightly bigger roll that requires her to be naked.

RadFem Worthy: Not that I’m being biased or anything but Lucy Danziger is undoubtably my favorite character on Boardwalk Empire. She always keeps it Kla$$y meaning she never wears a bra, she uses her sexuality to get whatever she wants and she’s dumb as a rock, but she does get to wear pretty clothes… when she is wearing clothes.

Fun Fact: According to IMDB she was born with a recurring cystic hygroma which looks like (don’t click) this. Apparently it grows back and needs to be surgically removed every few years; she’s had seven surgeries for it since birth. I’m glad she has that shit under control now. Gross.

Here’s the best video you will ever see. Watch as Loose Lucy gets denied access to the after party because homegirl’s been sampling the bathtub gin, stumble backwards into a limo after repeating “I can do it,” falls, rips her dress, falls out of her dress (I told you she NEVER wears a bra), and then graciously autographs something for a fan with said breast still out of said ripped dress. TMZ decided to blur out her left tit but if you really want to see her nekkid just watch anything she’s ever been in (except Enter The Void if you have epilepsy.) I envy her courage!

And here’s a little gallery of Paz hamming it up for the shutterbugs!

Via Dlisted

ADAM LEVINE Gets Naked For Ball Cancer

So the lead singer and frontman of Maroon 5, Adam Levine, took it all off to help raise testicular cancer awareness and to encourage men to get screened. And I couldn’t think of any better way to make gay men and women want to get checked out! If the goal of these photographs is to encourage men to get screened then I think they’ve failed because these are clearly intended for a female audience. I don’t know, maybe the people behind them hope that the girlfriends, wives and platonic female friends of the world will bitch and nag the men of their lives into getting screened because Adam Levine got naked in that one add and we think ball cancer awareness is sexy!

I just have two words: I WANT! I believe it was William Shakespeare who said it best:

See how he leans his junk upon her hand?
Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand
That I might touch that junk!

I’m really just thinking about that poor hand model that’s bent down behind Adam assuming the rusty trombone position. She looks like she needs a break…

One more for the road? Why not?!

Via Dlisted

Porn For The Blind

Well here’s something interesting I found in my daily perusing of the blogs. Toronto artist Lisa J. Murphym who published The Tactile Mind two years ago, a 3D book of nudes with braille descriptions, has added four more images she’s calling theTactile Atelier Bookmark. The original book comes at a whopping $225 (is that Canadian moneys?) with the erotic extension pack (lol) at an additional $100. And no wonder why they cost so much, Murphym does all the work herself.

I took photographs of my friends in lingerie, blew up the images, and hand-sculpted them into clay. Then I made thermoform copies. I ran the plastic myself through my thermoform machine at home, so each one took awhile to make.

The butt was really hard to sculpt. I wanted to get it nice and even and give it a feminine softness so it would actually feel like a woman’s butt. It took me days to sculpt all the curves right, but I’m told it does feel like a woman’s butt in a G-string.

Yes Lisa, the ass is always the hardest! Well I glad that at least Lisa was trying to be realistic in capturing the 3D form of a curvy and cellulite-endowed hottie. The additional four images are supposed to be a sort of teaser at a new book Murphym plans to put out, promising that it will be more erotic and with couples. I can’t wait!

Via ONTD

NSFW Argentinians Know How To Dance

So I wasn’t going to post anything until next year, but this was just too good to not share! On Bailando por un Sueño, an Argentinian dance show, this dance pair stripped down and mimed sexy times to Aerosmith’s Crazy. I have to say, I don’t know what all the hubbub is about. It’s a late night at the office, secretary and janitor working late, feeling a little lonely, clothes come off, aerial thong lifts, don’t pretend like it’s never happened to you. And excuse me if you all aren’t dance-literate to notice, but not only did these two have chemistry but their moves were so on! And let’s not forget the great contribution they’re giving to the Argentinian society and by now the global internet world of promoting exciting foreplay!

Via ONTD

Best Of RadCooks 2010

What a year it’s been! 2010 was Radioactive Cookies‘ inaugural year and I think we did a pretty great job! Since it’s inception on February 24, 2010, RadCooks has received almost 30,000 hits and I couldn’t be happier! In honor of the New Year, we of course need to recap all the amazingness of 2010. So here’s a best of list that’ll make you laugh, cry and probably cringe.

5 Most Visited Posts

1. PHAT GIRLS: 25 Hot Full Figured Women In Hollywood: All you skinny bitches can move aside because 2010 was the year of the big girl! As a proud curvaceous woman myself, I am so happy that the chubby chasers of the world have made Phat Girls my #1 most visited post the year!
2. RadFem To Watch: Jaclyn Santos: Thanks to a Tweet from the RedFem herself, Jaclyn Santos, this post received 2nd honors! Thanks Jaclyn, we hope to see more of you in 2010!
3. HAPPY MILF DAY: 40 Hot Hollywood Moms: Mother’s Day 2010 was my busiest day of the year. With the most posts I’ve ever done, I also received the most viewership. Shame on you all for reading my glob instead of spending quality time with your mommy!
4. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE: A Look At Ass-To-Mouth Surgery: The Human Centipede, what can I say? Those of you that read this post along with honorable mention THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE Review I just want to let you know that you are all very sick and you are not alone!
5. VAJAZZLE With A “J” & VAGAZZLED aka Swarovski Pubes: Let’s not forget my Vajazzled posts! The pair, tied for 5th place were some of my very first posts! Though I can’t take all the credit, I have to give a shout out to Bryce Gruber who took one for the team and had her lady garden bedazzeled on camera!

MissBleecker’s Top 5 Posts

1. KATY PERRY: The Ironic Feminist: Who could forget my massive and incredibly late Katy Perry post? Not only was this one of my most extensive posts but it was also one of the funnest. Let’s not forget it introduced Prof.PurplePants!
2. CHRISTINA AGUILERA’S “NOT MYSELF TONIGHT”: A Lesson In Radical Feminism: One of my top rated posts, NMT was a great song that I felt was seriously underrated. And of course, I’ll always have a spot in my heart and on my glob for my #1 girl Christina Aguilera!
3. AUTO-FELLATIO: Sampling Your Own Pancakes: Oh auto-fellatio, you almost made it into the top 5! What can I say, it was a simpler time when I could write about a man pleasuring himself orally, though I have heard of a slight demand for an autolingus post…
4. The No Makeup Week Series: A great week of my life was spent au natural for you good people. It was a really great experience and hopefully the first of more to come in personal experiments!
5. RadFem Of The Century: The Ho That Boned 13 Duke Athletes And Wrote A Thesis About It: How could we forget the Duke Fuck List author Karen Owen? This was your year girl, relish in it!

5 Posts You Didn’t Read But Should

1. The Interactions With An Anonymous Stranger Who Will Remain Nameless Series: This series is a personal favorite of mine. With three volumes down, I hope to keep you updated on the awfully bad attempts made at yours truly.
2. The 2010 Oscar Predictions and Outcomes Posts: I really cannot believe that there were so few readers of my 2010 Oscar posts. Not only did I predict nearly all the winners (yeah, you could have cleaned up in your office pool) but I analyzed the Oscars through a feminist and political lens. Let’s not have the same fate for Oscar Watch 2011!
3. MissBleecker Goes To Washington: I was on a bus for 10 hours in one day, I missed all of my friends, I wore cookies on my breasts, and I came home to keep the party going for Halloween as Ke$ha and you still didn’t read my post?!
4. The Theory of Sexual Economics Pt. 1 & Pt. 2: I have to admit these posts were a bit off collar for RadCooks but interesting nonetheless. Check them out to see what personality type is your best match according to me!
5. “THE RUNAWAYS” REVIEW: Men, You Can’t Stomach This Kind Of Gore: Now I will admit, having seen The Runaways, it was not the best movie of the year, it wasn’t the worst either. It just didn’t get much recognition either way, as my review did. However, I attended a screening with Joan Jett and she had some insider scoop that any rock ‘n roller would love to read!

Well there you have it, the Best Of RadCooks Lists 2010! I hope you all had a great year! I can’t wait for 2011, I’m sure it’ll be as disastrous a year in pop culture as 2010 was!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.