MissBleecker Goes To Washington

October 30, 2010 Leave a comment

It’s Still Dark Out
5:00 AM

I’m about to drag my ass out of my apartment, onto the cold, dark streets on New York City and hop on a 5 hr bus ride to D.C. I hope you’re happy! I’m serious, I hope you’re happy, because I am. I’m super excited about today. We are going to look back on today as one of the defining moments in our generation. I’m so glad I get to be a part of it… even if it means waking up on a Saturday when I’m usually stumbling home.

So this is it, welcome to the LiveBlog feed of MissBleecker’s Road To Washington! I’ll be updating periodically throughout the day, at and after the rally. These are the words of the happenings, if you want the images check out my updates on Twitter. I’ll see you on the bus!

Side Note: Are we digging this patriotic background or what?

The Road To Nowhere
10:30 AM

So I’ve been sitting on this bus for about 4 1/2 hrs now, going in and out of consciousness and simultaneously watching the leaves change. The South is very pretty this time of year. (Okay, I know it’s not really the South, but for a Yankee like me it might as well be Alabama.) With being as close as we are to DC I’m getting really excited, now hopefully our bus driver will stay inside the lines and quit scraping the shoulder so we can get there in one piece.

And remember, free kisses to whoever recognizes the cookies on my t-shirt!

Update: We just crossed the border, MissBleecker is in Washington DC!

The Dead Zone
3:30 PM

Apologies for the lack of updates, apparently there were just too many damn people with Smartphones and we broke the internet! Hurray strength in numbers! Don’t fret though, I took plenty of pictures and made sure to write down my updates. Look for my time-delayed LiveBlog later!

Check out some pictures I took on Twitter!

Sorry For The Delay
12:30PM

So the internet is not working, an unexpect set back but I will continue to write and will update later. I got on the DC Metro, which sucks but the way, expecting to get off at one stop to meet up with my people, but when I saw hundred of people with signs, cheering and piling off the Green Line at Archives-Navy I knew I had to make a choice. I said to myself, MissBleecker, do you want to be with your friend or do you want to be with these good people? And so here I am, alone, waiting on the port-a-potties line, because I’m a womand and I have a weak bladder. Good thing for me the toilets are also close to the action because when The Roots took the stage I was able to jam to the music in between a pro-gay and pro-weed faction. Oh look, John Legend just took the stage! I’ll be back with more later! Gotta love the thusands of people who showed up for a vague rally!

Party Central
1:30 PM

The Prince of Darkness himself, Ozzy Osbourne just took the stage and performed Crazy Train. There are thousenads upon thousands of people here. Many are in costume, anticipating the upcoming holiday. Those who can’t see and are bave enough climbed anything they could to get even a glimpse of a megatron. Perched atop lampposts, trees and even port-a-potties the masses gather, their single unifying quality, to be together today and to show the government that even if we don’t really know why we’re here, we can at least throw one hell of a party.

Through The Crowd
2:30 PM

I started making my way out of the mall, nothing was going to make me stay and wait for the chaos that would surely ensue when the thouse of people that had shown up left all at once. The Metro was shitty enoug without a bunch of rowdy rallygoers. Besides, I figured it would take me just as long to get out of the crowd. As I made my way through the masses, I watched the people, I read their signs, granted most of them were in suport of legalizing marijuana, but they were witty nonetheless. I looked around at the people, they were all individuals, each with a different costume, slogan, perspective, but when I looked out into the crowd, all I saw was a blur. The individuals became everyone and I was a part of them.

Finally, Jon Stewart took the stage and I could barely make out what he was saying as I sifted through the people, but to be hoenst, and I’m sorry Jon, it really didn’t matter. Would I have gotten a better view if I’d arrived earlier, maybe, would I have had a better experience if I was with my friends, perhaps, if my glob and myself were of any relevance at all and I could have gotten media access would I have been happier, who knows? The point, of which I can surmise based on the vaguness of the situation, is that we were all there for different reasons, from different places, with different people, of different ages and backgrounds and ethnicities, but we were all there. And even though I was’t there with my friends, I was not alone and even though I didn’t hear or see a goddamn thing, I got the point.

Just In Case You Were Wondering…

Aside from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert others in attendance were The Roots, John Legend, Ozzy Osburne, Yusuf Islam, Mavis Staples, Jeff Tweedy, Tony Bennett, Kid Rock, Sheryl Crowe, Jamie Hyneman, Adam Whitney Savage, Mick Foley and an estimated 250,000 schmucks like me!

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MissBleecker Takes Washington D.C.

October 29, 2010 Leave a comment

As you all should know, a little while back Jon Stewart announced that he would be hosting a march in Washington D.C. on October 30, 2010. He is calling it a Rally to Restore Sanity and its purpose is somewhat vague, but I’m guessing it has something to do with proving something to the government. Soon after Jon Stewart announced his rally, Stephen Colbert announced a counter-rally called the March to Keep Fear Alive. I’m assuming this, much like the rest of Mr. Colbert’s comedy, is satirical but one can only hope.

Now, for the record, I’d just like to say I’m not a huge fan of either of these very attractive gentlemen, I find them brazen and semi-offensive. However, I do see what they’re doing and it’s trying to get their primary audience, young people, off their asses and into the world of political relevance, and for that, I am grateful.

And so, I, MissBleecker, will be traveling by bus (fo’ free bitches), a very long 5 hrs to Washington D.C. to attend the marches. I will only be in D.C. for three hours and then I will board the bus, back to New York and have another jolly 5 hr long bus ride. And why am I doing this, my loyal and deranged readers? Well for you of course. I know all of you aren’t the smartest little things, or the most politically savvy, but I know you do care about vague yet highly publicized D.C. protests hosted by attractive celebrities. So, for you, my dear readers, I am going to do something I’ve never done before; I am going to LiveBlog the Washington D.C. marches! That’s right, tomorrow, when thousands of people hit the National Mall I will be there, my trusty SmartPhone in tow and I will be feeding you detail by glorious detail, and if you’re lucky you might get a picture or two. So, sit back, relax and refresh because even if your lazy ass can’t make it to Washington, my juicy one will be front and center!

Side Note: If by any chance one of you reading this is in D.C. tomorrow, I’ll be the only one wearing a Radioactive Cookies t-shirt. If you tap me on the shoulder and call me MissBleecker, I’ll give you a free kiss!

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Bill O’Rielly’s Got Daddy Issues

August 11, 2010 2 Comments

So my second favorite Republican, Bill O’Rielly, obviously my first is Anne Coulter (love that bitch) is playing the game of “how man people can I offend with my ill-informed comments” again. Well Bill, you’ve got my attention. Billy-boy had two blonde hos on his show to bash Jennifer Aniston for the comment she made on women being single mothers. Aniston said, “Women are realizing more and more knowing that they don’t have to settle with a man just to have a child.” Instead of being offended by the obvious lack in grammar in that statement, Bill became outraged for fathers everywhere, saying that she’s “diminishing” the role of a father… or she could just be saying that if a woman can’t find or doesn’t want a partner, that she has the option of having a baby.

Side Note: This whole argument started because Aniston is staring in a new movie, The Switch, it’s about a woman who decides to stop waiting for a man and have a baby via artificial insemination… and then somewhere along the line Jason Bateman drunkenly spills her sperm and refills it with his own swift swimmers.

The blonde hos (I can say this because I am one… blonde, not a ho… oh shut up!) go on and kind of back up O’Reilly and unintentionally defend Aniston bashing fathers (even though she didn’t, I don’t know, they’re dumb). Anyway… here’s my biggest problem with this whole segment, Gretchen Carlson thinks that Jen said what she said because she’s a “41 year-old single woman, who’s never been married.” Um hello! Have you been under a rock for the past decade? She was married to People’s Sexiest Man Alive, maybe you’ve heard of him, his name’s Brad Pitt. God, someone get this woman a tabloid! She has no right going on a sophisticated show like Bill O’Rielly’s without being informed of the facts!

Just for the record, I was raised by a single mother, my father was never a part of my life and I turned out just fine. I graduated from a great school, I have an awesome job, I started a little blog called RadCooks, I have superior friends, I even go on the occasional date. I have absolutely no so-called “daddy issues” to deal with. Now excuse me while I go home and fuck the 59 year-old mustached man waiting in my bed.

Here’s the segment, Billy-boy and his two bimbettes.

Here’s the trailer for that dumbass movie.

Via ONTD

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Hawaii Disses The Gays

July 7, 2010 Leave a comment

Well here comes some bad news to break up your Hump Day! Hawaiian Governor Linda Lingle has vetoed Hawaii’s same-sex civil union bill. Hawaiian Legislature had approved the bill in April and all Little Miss Homo-Hater had to do was sign it. Unfortunately, like Heather, she had a brain tumor for breakfast and vetoed it in the 11th hour. Here’s what Miss Hawaiian Tropic had to say about the decision,

There has not been a bill I have contemplated more or an issue I have thought more deeply about during my eight years as governor than House Bill 444 and the institution of marriage. I have been open and consistent in my opposition to same-sex marriage, and find that House Bill 444 is essentially same-sex marriage by another name.

With this and with the addition of Prop 8 that only leaves Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, and Washington, D.C. as states/District of Columbias that allow same-sex marriage. Iowa?! Really? Iowa? When in tarnation did that happen and how is Iowa more on the up and up than New York? Dang up-staters ruining the neighborhood with their bigotry!

Oh well, I suggest everyone as pissed about this as I am go on a lovely Hawaiian vacation via Gay Hawaii and pay Governor Linda a visit.

Via Jezebel

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Happy Independence Day!

July 4, 2010 Leave a comment

Freedom. America. The Nathan’s Hotdog Eating Contest. These three things epitomize the 4th of July… our Independence Day! And this year the famed Penis Swallowing… I mean Hotdog Eating Contest goes to an American, Joey Chestnut, the raining champ of wiener munching, downed 68 hotdogs in 12 minutes! Oh there are so many things I can say about that… but I am a Kla$$y lady and I’ll keep those thoughts to my own dirrty self!

Here’s hoping you’re all celebrating America’s B-day with BBBQ, beer and Will Smith!

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Obama Gives $25 Million To Preggos

July 3, 2010 Leave a comment

In an effort to dance around the a-word a little (rhymes with shmashmortion) President Obama has pledged $25 million dollars to the Federal Pregnancy Assistant Fund, whose goal is to, “assist women who have decided to carry their pregnancies to term and those who are parenting.”

[The money] will be used to will provide pregnant and parenting teens and women a seamless network of supportive services to help them complete high school or post-secondary degrees and gain access to health care, child care, family housing, and other critical support. In addition, States can use the funds to combat violence against pregnant women.

Is today my birthday?! This is fabulous news! Right-to-lifers go on and on about carrying a baby to term and then giving it to a loving (heterosexual) couple when it’s time to pop, but they seldom pay any never-mind to the fact that being pregnant is expensive. Let’s set aside the fact that having a baby is not only going to affect your life but your wallet too; the gestation period is filled with price tags from sonograms to checkups, from pre-natal drugs to late night trips to the 7-11 for a Big Gulp Blue Raspberry Fanta Slurpee (hey, she needs it man.) Hopefully now those women, who choose to carry their fetuses to term, will get the assistance they need.

Who knows, maybe we might even get some well-needed sex education. (iEscandalo!)

Via Jezebel

Read full article at CNN

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US TROOPS IN AFGHANISTAN REMAKE “TELEPHONE”: Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy Remains Intact

April 30, 2010 Leave a comment

I’m glad to see the military got rid of all the gays! The above video was posted last week, I’m assuming when there was a lull in the war. But seriously, this is probably one of the first times I’m really proud of our boys overseas. They put their free time to good use. They could be watching porn on VHS and circle jerking, but instead they chose to remake the best music video of the year; complete with choreographed dance routines, costumes, back flips and homoerotic imagery! What could be more patriotic?!

I really feel that if our soldiers went out into the streets of Afghanistan and just danced it out, the world would be a much more beautiful place! That’s it! When I become the first Female President of the United States I’m going to replace military troops with dance crews! Spreading freedom one Harlem Shake at a time!

Via Dlisted

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MISCARRIAGE = HOMICIDE: Utah Makes Militant Right-To-Lifers Look Like Gentle Kittens

March 5, 2010 Leave a comment

Utah proposed a law to criminalize miscarriage. SRSLY?!

State Rep. Carl Wimmer, says he’ll take out the provision making a woman’s “reckless act” inducing miscarriage eligible for homicide prosecution. This is the part of the bill that could’ve sentenced women to life in prison for falling down the stairs, drinking alcohol, or staying in an abusive relationship.

Unfortunately, Wimmer plans to leave in language that criminalizes a woman’s “intentional” act to induce miscarriage — meaning some miscarriages and/or illegal abortions could still open up a woman to homicide charges. All this is in response to a 17-year-old girl who paid someone to beat her into miscarrying — the solution to which, clearly, is to throw her in jail. It apparently hasn’t crossed the legislators’ minds that improving access to safe, legal abortions — by, for instance, removing Utah’s parental-notification law — might prevent girls and women from resorting to such horrific tactics. Or, more likely, Utah still cares more about controlling women than about helping them.

I concur with Jezebel. This is just poor lawmaking. Maybe instead of adding useless laws, these so-called lawmakers should enforce/revise currents laws. How many times can I saw law? LAW, LAW, LAW! Apparently a lot.

I get that fetal alcohol syndrome does exist but the conspiracy theorist inside of me makes me wonder if it’s really all just a little bit of bullshit? I mean, come one, our grandmothers drank and smoked during their pregnancies and the Baby Boomers are like the best generation ever.

I’m not saying all us ladies should drink and smoke when we get preggers, but we live in a world of hypochondriacs and disease mongers. With that said, when I am with child, I will lay in bed, not move and have my husband bring me everything I want, for fear of harming my precious spawn. And honestly, I can probably give up my vices for the better part of a year, I just don’t know how I’m going to give up sushi. That shit is addictive and packed with protein… and yummy, yummy mercury!

Besides, Nova Schin makes non-alcoholic beer for pregnant women. Because, let’s face it, there’s nothing more satisfying, then coming home after a long day of carrying your giant ass belly around, with creepy ass people touching you, kicking your feet up and opening up a brewski. SRSLY though, I would never fucking drink non-alcoholic beer, that’s just plain blasphemy!

On a slightly related note, and to take some of the, you’re-an-evil-baby-killer heat off me, here’s my future baby-daddy, Stephen Lynch, singing a wonderful little diddy. This one goes out to the ladies!

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