COSMO: What I Learned In May 2011

It must be that time of the month again! My May issue of Cosmopolitan, staring Paramore’s Hayley Williams, came in the mail! And as per our agreement, I’ve thumbed through the countless ads for self-tanner and diet pills to find the very best, this month’s issue has to offer! And as per our agreement, you shall read what I have to say. Now go! READ IT!

Hayley Williams: Corn Dog of Revenge pg. 46-49

The Rubber-Band Effect pg. 144-147

I Have Orgasms All Day Long pg. 214-215

Sex Moves His Ex Didn’t Do pg. 141-143

How Guys Really Feel About Your BO pg. 82

Decode His Texts pg. 256

May Look Book

Check out full scans of Hayley’s boring interview.

Britney Will Dance ‘Till The World Ends’… Or For 30 Seconds

Britney Spears debuted her newest music video today, for Till The World Ends, which should be said is a slightly better song than Hold It Against Me, but taking into account the nauseating amount of brain power it takes to get it unstuck from your mind’s playlist, it’s probably about equal to anything Rebecca Black could give birth to. (Jesus Christ that was a long sentence.) That being said, I’m sure I’ll be singing and dancing to this song by the weekend.

Brit’s video tells the tale of the fated date in the not so distant future, December 21, 2012, when the Mayans predicted the world will end. Brit is held up in a basement with a few of her most beloved back up dancers, grinding up on one another waiting for apocalypse to come only to realize, upon poking her head out of a manhole, that the sun has come up and indeed she will see another day as a 30 year-old (that’s how old Britney will be in 2012.)

Now we all know that ever since Britney went a little cray-cray, she hasn’t been the same pop princess she was in her “virgin” years, but someone took extra special care to cut out all the real Britney dance sequences of her latest vid to prove it. Below is the whole 30 seconds of Britney gyrating to prove, once and for all, that Britney Jean Spears can no longer cut a rug. It’s really sad, but we all have to face the music (pun intended) some day and realize that Britney is way too drugged up to shake it like she used to. Either that or she’s a drone and they haven’t figured out how to give robots rhythm yet. God I hope I can still shake my ass when I’m closing in on my third decade of life.

And for reference and good measure, here’s Britney in her dancing years. Skip to 1:18 for some serious dance skillz. See the difference?

Katy Perry’s E.T. Music Video

The music video for Katy Perry’s E.T. featuring Kanye West premiered on MTV.com today and being that I’ve dedicated many a post to MissKaty I just had to comment. Now I could have gone with a headline that read “Katy Perry’s E.T. Is Out Of This World” or something equally repulsive, but that would be both tacky and untrue. Granted, E.T. is lightyears beyond Firework, both in music video and songitude, but I have to admit that I was expecting something a wee bit more than what I got. Katy Perry only has three costume changes, four if you count her alien transformation, and she’s basically a little flowy ball orbiting while Kanye West has the occasional angry outburst while holding his crotch (typical).

ET, posted with vodpod

Something I will give MissKaty credit for is proving me right. E.T., along with Lady Gaga’s Born This Way and Britney Spears’ Hold It Against Me music video, is just putting a big fat “right” on my forehead for all the world to see. In my Futuristic Feminist post I talked about the move of female artists into the future. And mark my words, you’re going to see more of it. The transformation from tarty little girl pop stars to androgynous and beautifully deformed future ladies is only going to be more pronounced in the coming year. But we’ll leave that for later, for now, just enjoy the E.T. picture book I created for you!

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Ke$ha’s BLOW Music Video: It’s A Unicorn Massacre Y’all

Another Ke$ha music video, another Ke$ha music video roundup picture book! In her music video for Blow, which is aesthetically and auditorally (?) superior to We R Who We R, Ke$ha is seen in a Kla$$ier light; dining with unicorns in tuxedos, drinking champagne and getting into a laser gun battle with James Van Der Beek. There were a few cringeworthy moments in this video, mostly having to do with Ke$ha’s acting ability, but it’s nice to see she doesn’t take herself too seriously.

Side Note (To Ke$ha): Hey girl, stick to what you do best (i.e. drinking brown liquors, being dirty and using auto-tune) and leave the acting to the professionalbeeks.

There’s really nothing more to say about this, that wouldn’t be better expressed through pictures. I give you… a unicorn rainbow massacre!

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Jump for bigger, non moving pictures!

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Rihanna’s S&M Music Video & The Futuristic Feminist

Rihanna‘s music video for S&M hit the web today, and I have to say, for someone, who’s not a huge RiRi fan, I am really diggin’ this jam. And by dig I mean I’ve already watched the video at least a dozen times, hoping that the replays of the kinktastic video wouldn’t deter my coworkers from being my friends! This video is hot, it was shot by Melina Matsoukas, who also directed Rihanna’s Rude Boy video. This chorus just melts me,

Cause I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me

The music video depicts Rihanna, in all sorts of colorful getups, involved in a sadomasochistic relationship with the media. And as in any good S&M relationship, the couple that is Rihanna and the media hounds switch up the role play; in one scene, Rihanna is bound in cellophane at a press conference, in the next she’s taking her gagged pet, blogger Perez Hilton, out for a walk. In an interview with MTV’s Sway, Rihanna talks about her the song and says it’s not about sex, it’s a metaphor. From the looks of her video I’m assuming she’s calling the relationship between celebrity and media sadomasochistic. She describes the song as rebellious, in-your-face, and unapologetic, and that is exactly how I would describe The Futuristic Feminist.

What is the Futuristic Feminist? I’m glad you asked! The Futuristic Feminist, is a a trend, a new wave of female artist (mostly scene in popular music) that is overly sexual, ostentatious, witty, shocking and statement making. We’ve seen this trend is several female artists; Lady Gaga is probably the most direct in her approach, Nicki Minaj introduced the Hip Hop community into the future, Christina Aguilera tried to with Bionic (but she’s too old), even Ke$ha (with her We R Who We R music video) and Katy Perry (with her California Gurls style) have dabbled in Futuristic Feminism.

As we continue along the path of technology = life, we see this idea reflected in the styling of popular artists. We believe we are in the future, so the Futuristic Feminist styles herself as she would envision her futuristic form. Part feminist, part robot, she uses her sexuality as a means to gain attention for her cause; she is the literal definition of a Fembot. No doubt, this trend will continue, and I’m not going to talk about who started it (I know all the Little Monsters out there will swear it was Lady Gaga) but there were innovative female artists before her and there will be innovative female artists after her. The important thing is that these female artists will continue to try and one-up one another, which is really just a great thing for everybody. The drooling sperm-producers of the world will get to stare with open mouths and trousers at the hotness that is the Futuristic Feminist, and she’ll get to subtly implant her message across the globe! I love it when we’re sneaky!

This video is so gorgeous, of course it would have it’s own gallery!

ADAM LEVINE Gets Naked For Ball Cancer

So the lead singer and frontman of Maroon 5, Adam Levine, took it all off to help raise testicular cancer awareness and to encourage men to get screened. And I couldn’t think of any better way to make gay men and women want to get checked out! If the goal of these photographs is to encourage men to get screened then I think they’ve failed because these are clearly intended for a female audience. I don’t know, maybe the people behind them hope that the girlfriends, wives and platonic female friends of the world will bitch and nag the men of their lives into getting screened because Adam Levine got naked in that one add and we think ball cancer awareness is sexy!

I just have two words: I WANT! I believe it was William Shakespeare who said it best:

See how he leans his junk upon her hand?
Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand
That I might touch that junk!

I’m really just thinking about that poor hand model that’s bent down behind Adam assuming the rusty trombone position. She looks like she needs a break…

One more for the road? Why not?!

Via Dlisted

Best Of RadCooks 2010

What a year it’s been! 2010 was Radioactive Cookies‘ inaugural year and I think we did a pretty great job! Since it’s inception on February 24, 2010, RadCooks has received almost 30,000 hits and I couldn’t be happier! In honor of the New Year, we of course need to recap all the amazingness of 2010. So here’s a best of list that’ll make you laugh, cry and probably cringe.

5 Most Visited Posts

1. PHAT GIRLS: 25 Hot Full Figured Women In Hollywood: All you skinny bitches can move aside because 2010 was the year of the big girl! As a proud curvaceous woman myself, I am so happy that the chubby chasers of the world have made Phat Girls my #1 most visited post the year!
2. RadFem To Watch: Jaclyn Santos: Thanks to a Tweet from the RedFem herself, Jaclyn Santos, this post received 2nd honors! Thanks Jaclyn, we hope to see more of you in 2010!
3. HAPPY MILF DAY: 40 Hot Hollywood Moms: Mother’s Day 2010 was my busiest day of the year. With the most posts I’ve ever done, I also received the most viewership. Shame on you all for reading my glob instead of spending quality time with your mommy!
4. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE: A Look At Ass-To-Mouth Surgery: The Human Centipede, what can I say? Those of you that read this post along with honorable mention THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE Review I just want to let you know that you are all very sick and you are not alone!
5. VAJAZZLE With A “J” & VAGAZZLED aka Swarovski Pubes: Let’s not forget my Vajazzled posts! The pair, tied for 5th place were some of my very first posts! Though I can’t take all the credit, I have to give a shout out to Bryce Gruber who took one for the team and had her lady garden bedazzeled on camera!

MissBleecker’s Top 5 Posts

1. KATY PERRY: The Ironic Feminist: Who could forget my massive and incredibly late Katy Perry post? Not only was this one of my most extensive posts but it was also one of the funnest. Let’s not forget it introduced Prof.PurplePants!
2. CHRISTINA AGUILERA’S “NOT MYSELF TONIGHT”: A Lesson In Radical Feminism: One of my top rated posts, NMT was a great song that I felt was seriously underrated. And of course, I’ll always have a spot in my heart and on my glob for my #1 girl Christina Aguilera!
3. AUTO-FELLATIO: Sampling Your Own Pancakes: Oh auto-fellatio, you almost made it into the top 5! What can I say, it was a simpler time when I could write about a man pleasuring himself orally, though I have heard of a slight demand for an autolingus post…
4. The No Makeup Week Series: A great week of my life was spent au natural for you good people. It was a really great experience and hopefully the first of more to come in personal experiments!
5. RadFem Of The Century: The Ho That Boned 13 Duke Athletes And Wrote A Thesis About It: How could we forget the Duke Fuck List author Karen Owen? This was your year girl, relish in it!

5 Posts You Didn’t Read But Should

1. The Interactions With An Anonymous Stranger Who Will Remain Nameless Series: This series is a personal favorite of mine. With three volumes down, I hope to keep you updated on the awfully bad attempts made at yours truly.
2. The 2010 Oscar Predictions and Outcomes Posts: I really cannot believe that there were so few readers of my 2010 Oscar posts. Not only did I predict nearly all the winners (yeah, you could have cleaned up in your office pool) but I analyzed the Oscars through a feminist and political lens. Let’s not have the same fate for Oscar Watch 2011!
3. MissBleecker Goes To Washington: I was on a bus for 10 hours in one day, I missed all of my friends, I wore cookies on my breasts, and I came home to keep the party going for Halloween as Ke$ha and you still didn’t read my post?!
4. The Theory of Sexual Economics Pt. 1 & Pt. 2: I have to admit these posts were a bit off collar for RadCooks but interesting nonetheless. Check them out to see what personality type is your best match according to me!
5. “THE RUNAWAYS” REVIEW: Men, You Can’t Stomach This Kind Of Gore: Now I will admit, having seen The Runaways, it was not the best movie of the year, it wasn’t the worst either. It just didn’t get much recognition either way, as my review did. However, I attended a screening with Joan Jett and she had some insider scoop that any rock ‘n roller would love to read!

Well there you have it, the Best Of RadCooks Lists 2010! I hope you all had a great year! I can’t wait for 2011, I’m sure it’ll be as disastrous a year in pop culture as 2010 was!

Have A Merry Ke$ha Chri$tmas

When I saw this video, I thanked the Baby Jesus for being born so I could hear Ke$ha sing a beautiful rendition of Have Yourself a Marry Little Christmas while some mohawked Russian bum took a piss in the background! Here’s hoping your holidays will be as entertaining as this! Cheers!

Video NSFW

Ke$ha’s “We R Who We R” Music Video

Ke$ha just tweeted her new music video for the irritatingly repetitive and infectiously catchy tune called We R Who We R, off her new album Cannibal. Now there’s a lot going on in this video, so I felt it best to summarize in a form meant just for Ke$ha, by way of picture book. So clicky click the icons below and enjoy!

Lily Allen Drops C-Bomb, Remains Kla$$y While Doing So

Don't mess.

Well isn’t Katie Nicholl‘s face red?! The Daily Mail writer (and I use this term loosely) put the adorable yet temperamental singer Lily Allen in a tissy when she wrote an article entitled A New Year wedding to ease Lily Allen’s baby grief. Firstly, what’s with the lack of capitalization in the title? Hello, writing 101! Secondly, I guess this was completely false because Lilly Allen politely corrected Katie on her Twitter.

Katie Nicholl you’re a lying cunt, leave me out of your shitty column, you know nothing.

I’m sorry, but there’s a time and a place for disrespectful, badly researched or just made up journalism. It’s not now Katie Nicholl.

After some apparent strong arming from the alleged “writer,” Lily Allen withdrew her previous statement, which was Tweeted in anger, and issued a more thought out one.

Kati Nichol has been in touch and has threatened to consult her lawyer if i don’t take that tweet down. She thinks it was too heavy handed.

so i’ll amend it.

Katie Nicholl I THINK you’re a cunt, leave me out of your shitty column, you know nothing about the intimate details of my life.

theres a time and a place for your musings where i’m concerned, and it’s not now.

You go girl!

Via Dlisted

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