It was noon on the 4th of July. The sun hung high in the sky as I ran down the winding mountainside. My formerly spastic running had been replaced by something more steady; my breath was deep and even, my stride was fast and long, and the city pavement and skyline had been replaced by a pothole ridden mountain road canopied by hundred year woods. It was beautiful, and something that helped me clear my mind. Two miles down, two miles up. As I rounded the final bend down the mountain I saw the bottom of the ski slope I’d just run down,
“This is going to be a bitch back up,” I said to myself, out of breath.
In the distance I saw a local riding a 4-wheeler and though I didn’t want to take time out of my workout, I knew I’d have to stop to catch my breath before I embarked on the two mile run up the side of a mountain. And so I stopped and gazed up at the ski slope, overrun by two-foot tall grass, taking in the beauty of the mountain and the bitch I was about to conquer. I heard the 4-wheeler circle me as the rider pulled up to my right and took of his helmet to reveal his sandy brown hair, scruffy beard and bright blue eyes; he was cute, really cute. A bit rough around the edges, grease stained shirt, stonewashed jeans tucked into large work boots, his 4-wheeler had a skull and bones sticker reading “OUTLAW.” I was intrigued, at least enough to offer a smile and say,
“Hey! Happy 4th! You out here for a ride?”
“Yeah, though I wish they’d fill in all these damn potholes.” He said with a southern accent.
“Tell me about it, when I was running down here I thought I might fall in and break a leg.”
He looked up at the mountain with a bit of contempt on his face.
“It’s a shame what they’ve done to the place.”
“Yeah, looks like it could use a good lawn mower. Still, it’s beautiful.”
“Yeah, I’d love to get my hands back on her, we rented her out to a new company and they don’t keep up with any of the maintenance. You worked here?”
“No, not me.”
“Oh come on, everyone up here’s worked here.”
“No, I was born up here but we moved to New York when I was little, we come up here on weekends sometimes. What did you do here?”
“Oh me? My family owns the slope.”
You don’t say? A cute, 4-wheeler riding outlaw who owns a ski slope? Thank you karmic running gods!
Well, it’s been a while since I’ve done a good list so here you go. I’ve noticed a trend that’s popped back up, one that hasn’t been prevalent so much in our culture since the 70′s, you know what I’m talking about… mustaches. Twirl them, comb them, ride them, they’re all the same… or so I thought. I have to admit, while I go weak in the knees for facial hair, the one type that always gave me the “there’s a child molester breathing down the back of my neck” shivers were mustaches… up until now that is. I see it all the time now, men sporting bare faces with a snuggled upper lip and I have to say… it’s kind of turning me on.
So I took it upon myself to embrace this new trend of male grooming (because let’s face it, any kind of male grooming should be embraced. Am I right ladies?!) and I’ve compiled the ultimate list! So here it is, the good, the bad and the ugly in MUSTACHES!
DISCLAIMER: I’m not telling every guy out there to grow a mustache just because you can. You need a certain type of face, a certain refinement, and a certain confidence to pull one off correctly. Please see the above examples for good mustaches and bad mustaches.
It must be that time of the month again! My May issue of Cosmopolitan, staring Paramore’s Hayley Williams, came in the mail! And as per our agreement, I’ve thumbed through the countless ads for self-tanner and diet pills to find the very best, this month’s issue has to offer! And as per our agreement, you shall read what I have to say. Now go! READ IT!
So this morning I woke up a bit early to go jogging by the Hudson River. Something I like to do when it’s a nice, sunny morning, like it was today. The only problem was, I felt like shit. The week had worn on me and the last thing I wanted to do on a Friday morning was to go run for an hour.
But I did it anyway.
I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and threw on my all back outfit (I looked like I was attending a professional jogger’s funeral) and I hit the pavement. The hour went by, and just three blocks away from my apartment, the sweet release of my shower and giant bottle of water I was stopped at a light.
“Excuse me miss,”
I turn to see a man had approached me and was looking me up and down. Mind you I have no make up on, extra baggy eyes, am pretty sweaty from my workout and having forgotten to put on deodorant, probably smelly. The one thing I did have working for me were my thin-fit technology sewn yoga pants that made my legs and ass look much more toned than they actually are.
“Yeah,” I panted.
“How many miles would you say you run?”
“About four,” I looked around, the light was about to change.
“Wow, that’s about, that’s like, a-” He was trying to do the math.
“That’s about 80 blocks, that’s good. So, um-”
The light changed.
“Gotta run!” I ran across the street and could make out his parting words.
“Keep up the good work!”
What, can I say? It’s been a while. It seems while one of my original From Scratch monthly posts recapping the cockamamie advice of one Cosmopolitan Magazine has been good to me with a plentitude of hits, I have not been very good to it, throwing it to the wayside in exchange for copious amounts of Ke$ha posts. Well I’m sorry, to the Cosmo rag and RadCooks faithfuls alike. I was doing all over you, myself included, a disservice of massive proportions. But don’t fret, my duties to the Sex Bible will no longer go untended.
What’s the change in attitude, say you? Well dear internet-mongers, it’s Lent, and as a terrible Catholic and one who’s never kept a Lent Resolution (what do you call what you give up for 40 days?) I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf. I’m not giving anything up this Lent, because that would be counter-productive, instead I’m going to do something. And what shall I do, you ask? I’m going to do reading! It’s really quite shameful, I’m a writer, in and out, I write for fun, I write for leisure, I write for pay, I write because I’m always right but I don’t read. So I’m going to, at least for the next 40 days (hopefully.)
Today I’m reading Cosmo’s April edition, cover to cover, even the monthly rape article. I know what you’re thinking, Cosmo isn’t real reading, well to you I say, baby steps, my friend. Tomorrow I’m hitting Freud’s “Three Contributions To The Theory of Sex,” but tonight, tonight I read about PC muscles and mildly kinky sex! Without further ado, here’s your Cosmo Recap for April 2011 starring Tron: Legacy‘s Olivia Wilde!
Here are the 83rd Academy Award Winers in the order it went down on the show… at leas the ones I was willing to bet my honor on.
Art Direction:Alice In Wonderland
My Prediction: The King’s Speech, okay so I got one wrong, but does this category really matter to anyone who’s not an art director?
Cinematography:Inception
My Prediction:The Social Network, I have to say I probably dropped the ball on this prediction, but they’re totally different styles and I’m eating my words so there!
Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo
She dropped the F-bomb at the Oscars! Not Kla$$y.
Best Animated Feature:Toy Story 3
Consolation prize.
Adapted Screenplay:The Social Network
Done…
Original Screenplay:The King’s Speech
and done.
Best Foreign Language Film:In A Better World
Best Supporting Actor:Christian Bale
Prime time free advertising for an ex-crack addict’s boxing gym!
Best Original Score:The Social Network
Long live rock n’ roll!
Sound Mixing:Inception
Sound Editing:Inception
Documentary Feature: Inside Job
My Prediction:Gasland, okay I admitted I hadn’t seen any of these movies… even the trailers.
Visual Effects:Inception
Film Editing:The Social Network
Best Original Song:Toy Story 3
My Prediction:Country Strong, not really a real predication more of a pipe dream.
Best Director: Tom Hooper
My Prediction: David Fincher, as soon as Tom Hooper’s name was announced I knew The Social Network had a shot in hell of winning Best Picture.
Best Actress: Natalie Portman
Best Actor: Colin Firth
Best Picture: The King’s Speech
My Prediction:The Social Network, as I said in my predictions post, the safe bet would be The King’s Speech, it’s a very Oscars movie. And while I’m not upset at all about the outcome of this, I chose to go with the more risky prediction with The Social Network because the Oscars were going in a younger direction but leave it to the oldies to go with the predictable pick. C’est la vie. Regardless it was a great year in film and a bearable Oscars… and that’s really all I could ever ask for.
Welcome to The 83rd Academy Awards Red Carpet Fashion Roundup! Get ready for some awesome and watermarked images… because I don’t have the money to pay for the rights for any of this shit! Go Getty Watermarks!
Okay, so here we are. A few weeks away from The 83rd Annual Academy Awards, set to air on Sunday, February 27th at 8/9c. And here I am, over 10 movies deep and overwhelmingly happy with the turnaround from last year’s shit-tastic movie turnout. I would just like to take a moment to thank the producers, directors and writers of the world for stepping it up. We all took a hit having to deal with fuckingAvatar (it’s one word) last year and I’m just glad that we won’t have to go through that again… until the sequel comes out that is… but if all goes according to plan, James Cameron should be walking into my net trap in 3..2..1
Anyway… here are my Oscar Predictions! I thought long and hard about them, so I hope you appreciate all the work I put into this… even though I know you won’t!
Follow hosts Anne Hathaway and James Franco into the land of the unknown!
The 83rd Annual Academy Awards Predictions MissBleecker Style!!!
The Big Five
Actor in a Leading Role
Javier Bardem in “Biutiful”
Jeff Bridges in “True Grit”
Jesse Eisenberg in “The Social Network”
Colin Firth in “The King’s Speech”
James Franco in “127 Hours”
My Prediction: While I did l<3ve Jesse Eisenberg's portrayal of Satan I'm going to have to go with the favorite (and only man whose name does not begin with a "J") in this category, Colin Firth. It's about time Colin got some recognition and there's no better way to win an award than stuttering, cursing like a sailor and filling your mouth with balls! Colin will and should win, but that was a give in…
Actress in a Leading Role
Annette Bening in “The Kids Are All Right”
Nicole Kidman in “Rabbit Hole”
Jennifer Lawrence in “Winter’s Bone”
Natalie Portman in “Black Swan”
Michelle Williams in “Blue Valentine”
My Choice: I should say that Annette Bening is my role model for life, but I don’t think she should win. I’m sure Nicole Kidman does a great job of trying to make her face emote, but she shouldn’t win. However, Jenny Lawrence was awesome at getting her face kicked in and Michelle Williams did an excellent job at faking it, and I would be happy if either of these bitches won… but they won’t.
My Prediction: Natalie Portman will win (even though she shouldn’t.) But she’s having a baby and she’s taking time off acting so I guess she should get a prize. Also, she’s engaged to the ballerino from “Black Swan,” not married, not sure if this means the Oscars Curse doesn’t apply to her or not. Either way, I don’t see their relationship lasting very long. I mean, he’s French for crying out loud!
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
“127 Hours”
“The Social Network”
“Toy Story 3”
“True Grit”
“Winter’s Bone”
My Prediction: Aaron Sorkin for “The Social Network,” that’s it, wrap it up, it was beautiful. I would literally trade my first born child to be able to write as well as this man. Rumpelstiltskin, where you at?
Writing (Original Screenplay)
“Another Year”
“The Fighter”
“Inception”
“The Kids Are All Right”
“The King’s Speech”
My Choice: As a would-be screenwriter I knows that there’s a lot more that goes into great writing than dialogue and I’m sorry but “Inception” was just yummy. The concept, the storylines, the detail that went into that script was impeccable, and while the characters were a wee bit underdeveloped, they weren’t based on real people and who really cares about character arc when you’re 5 layers down? Am I right?
My Prediction: “The King’s Speech.” Whatever.
Directing
“Black Swan” Darren Aronofsky
“The Fighter” David O. Russell
“The King’s Speech” Tom Hooper
“The Social Network” David Fincher
“True Grit” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
My Choice: I’m still really upset that Chrissy Nolan wasn’t nominated.
My Prediction: David Fincher for “The Social Network.” No one else really has a chance.
Best Picture
“Black Swan”
“The Fighter”
“Inception”
“The Kids Are All Right”
“The King’s Speech”
“127 Hours”
“The Social Network”
“Toy Story 3”
“True Grit”
“Winter’s Bone”
My Prediction: Okay here’s where things get interesting. A lot of these awards are very predictable and if the Crash fiasco of 2006 taught us anything, it’s that the Oscars do not like to be considered predictable. So I’m gonna break it down for you right now! “Black Swan,” too dark and leaves you with a bad taste of “huh?” in your mouth. “The Fighter” while good, is just another boxing movie that isn’t “Raging Bull.” “Inception,” too conceptual and apparently the Academy hates Christopher Nolan. “The Kids Are All Right,” too funny and lesbian-y. “127 Hours,” HA! “Toy Story 3,” it’s animated. “True Grit,” it’s a western and a re-make. “Winter’s Bone,” let’s face it, the Academy was just throwing the indie film a bone (pun intended).
Now that leaves me with two, The Globes sided with “The Social Network” while SAG picked “The King’s Speech.” What the Academy usually does is award best picture to the best screenplay and best director winner, but as my predictions say, screenplay is split since the films are in different writing categories. David Fincher would win over Tom Hooper any day because he’s just a better director, so it leaves me a little split. I do believe the safe choice would be “The King’s Speech,” however, I’m not one to play it safe and I’m willing to take a gamble and predict “The Social Network” as the winner. The Oscars are trying to reach to a younger audience this year, with hosts Anne Hathaway and James Franco and I think they’re going to side with the younger, more popular choice in “The Social Network.”
Let’s talk Oscar Nominations! The front-runner in the race this year is, no surprise here, The King’s Speech with 12 nominations (that’s 1 shy of a baker’s dozen!) The Coen Brother’s hog the awards, yet again, with 10 nominations for their western True Grit. And two of my favorite films this year, The Social Network and *am I dreaming?* Inception come in third with 8 nominations each. I have to say, I’m super happy with this year’s selection. Not only was it a great year for film but Avatar was not nominated! So even if my least favorite film wins Best Picture (I’m looking at you 127 Hours) I still won’t want to gauge my eyes out and puncture my ear drums for fear of hearing James Cameron make, yet another, douchey acceptance speech! You’re not the king of anything asshole!
Anyway… here’s how my predictions did! (Bolded films are nominated)
Best Picture
Inception
Toy Story 3
The King’s Speech
True Grit
Black Swan
The Social Network
The Fighter
The Kids Are All Right
Winter’s Bone
127 Hours
10/10 – Yeah right, Like The Town was ever in the running!
Best Director
Christopher Nolan – Inception Darren Aronofsky – Black Swan
David Fincher – The Social Network
Tom Hooper – The King’s Speech
David O. Russell – The Fighter
4/5 Missed True Grit – Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
Poor Chrissy Nolan can’t catch a break. With The Dark Knight being snubbed for the major awards in 2009, he doesn’t get a director’s nod in 2011 either. *Sad face emoticon* Not that the other directors don’t deserve to be in the running but I think with the Coen Brothers already sharing 4 Oscars, they could show poor Chrissy some sympathy.
Best Original Screenplay
Christopher Nolan – Inception
David Seidler – The King’s Speech
Mark Heyman, Andres Heinz and John J. McLaughlin – Black Swan Stuart Blumberg and Lisa Cholodenko – The Kids Are All Right
Paul Attanasio, Lewis Colich, Eric Johnson, Scott Silverand Paul Tamasy – The Fighter
4/5 Missed Another Year – Mike Leigh
It wouldn’t be the Academy if they didn’t shake things up and throw a bone to a little international indie film. It won’t win, but it’s a polite nomination.
Best Adapted Screenplay
Aaron Sorkin – The Social Network
Simon Beaufoy and Danny Boyle – 127 Hours
Joel Coen & Ethan Coen – True Grit
Debra Granik and Anne Rosellini – Winter’s Bone
David Lindsay-Abaire – Rabbit Hole Dark Horse: Michael Arndt, story by John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich – Toy Story 3
4/5 – My dark horse selection actually made it into this category. Good for you Toy Story 3! It’s very rare that an animated feature gets nominated for anything other than animated feature!
Best Actor
Jesse Eisenberg – The Social Network
Colin Firth – The King’s Speech
James Franco – 127 Hours
Jeff Bridges – True Grit
Ryan Gosling – Blue Valentine
4/5 Missed Javier Bardem in – Biutiful
2008′s best actor winner and baby daddy of Academy Award Winner Penelope Cruz’s fetus sneaks into the ranks with his foreign language film.
Best Actress
Nicole Kidman – Rabbit Hole
Natalie Portman – Black Swan
Michelle Williams – Blue Valentine
Jennifer Lawrence – Winter’s Bone
Annette Bening – The Kids Are All Right
5/5
Best Supporting Actor
Christian Bale – The Fighter
Geoffrey Rush – The King’s Speech
Jeremy Renner – The Town
Mark Ruffalo – The Kids Are All Right
John Hawkes – Winter’s Bone
5/5
Best Supporting Actress
Amy Adams – The Fighter
Hailee Steinfeld – True Grit
Melissa Leo – The Fighter
Mila Kunis – Black Swan Helena Bonham Carter – The King’s Speech
4/5 Missed Jacki Weaver – Animal Kingdom
To be honest I hadn’t heard of Animal Kingdom, accept that it got Jacki Weaver a SAG nod. I don’t want to say I’m surprised that Mila wasn’t nominated; while her *cough* (oral) *cough* performance was good, it certainly wasn’t Oscar worthy. However, the biggest indication that Mila would have been nominated for the Oscar were her nominations in the same category for both Golden Globes and SAG, they’re usually not that off.
I did fairly well if I don’t say so myself, 40/45 correct predictions! Give me the weekend to catch up on the films and I’ll have my full winners prediction list by Monday! You’ll be swimming in your office Oscar pool!
It’s almost time for Mo’Nique to announce the 2011 Oscar Nominations! And while all the agents, publicists and managwhores will eagerly await the announcement tomorrow, Jan 25th at 5:30AM Hollywoodland Time, I will still be sleeping, knowing that I already knew who was going to get a nod. Here are my predictions for The Big Five, aka the only awards that really matter to anyone.
Best Picture
Inception
Toy Story 3
The King’s Speech
True Grit
Black Swan
The Social Network
The Fighter
The Kids Are All Right
Winter’s Bone
127 Hours Dark Horse: Rabbit Hole
Best Director
Christopher Nolan – Inception
Darren Aronofsky – Black Swan
David Fincher – The Social Network
Tom Hooper – The King’s Speech
David O. Russell – The Fighter Dark Horse: Danny Boyle – 127 Hours
Best Original Screenplay
Christopher Nolan – Inception
David Seidler – The King’s Speech
Mark Heyman, Andres Heinz and John J. McLaughlin – Black Swan
Stuart Blumberg and Lisa Cholodenko – The Kids Are All Right
Paul Attanasio, Lewis Colich, Eric Johnson, Scott Silverand Paul Tamasy – The Fighter Dark Horse: Derek Cianfrance, Joey Curtis and Cami Delavigne – Blue Valentine
Best Adapted Screenplay
Aaron Sorkin – The Social Network
Simon Beaufoy and Danny Boyle – 127 Hours
Joel Coen & Ethan Coen – True Grit
Debra Granik and Anne Rosellini – Winter’s Bone
David Lindsay-Abaire – Rabbit Hole Dark Horse: Michael Arndt, story by John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich – Toy Story 3
Best Actor
Jesse Eisenberg – The Social Network
Colin Firth – The King’s Speech
James Franco – 127 Hours
Jeff Bridges – True Grit
Ryan Gosling – Blue Valentine Dark Horse: Tie between Mark Wahlberg – The Fighter or Paul Giamatti – Barney’s Version
Best Actress
Nicole Kidman – Rabbit Hole
Natalie Portman – Black Swan
Michelle Williams – Blue Valentine
Jennifer Lawrence – Winter’s Bone
Annette Bening – The Kids Are All Right Dark Horse: Hilary Swank – Conviction
And here’s a couple for the road that kind of matter too. (I’m less attached to these predictions.)
Best Supporting Actor
Christian Bale – The Fighter
Geoffrey Rush – The King’s Speech
Jeremy Renner – The Town
Mark Ruffalo – The Kids Are All Right
John Hawkes – Winter’s Bone Dark Horse: Armie Hammer – The Social Network
Best Supporting Actress
Amy Adams – The Fighter
Hailee Steinfeld – True Grit
Melissa Leo – The Fighter
Mila Kunis – Black Swan
Helena Bonham Carter – The King’s Speech Dark Horse: Julianne Moore – The Kids Are All Right
THIS GLOB IS RAUNCHY; BE CAUTIOUS OF PARENTS, GRANDPARENTS, CHILDREN, RELATIVES OF ANY KIND, BOSSES, COWORKERS, TEACHERS, STUDENTS, HUSBANDS, WIVES, SIGNIFICANT OTHERS (OR HOWEVER YOU CHOOSE TO LABEL YOUR UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP), PETS, PLANTS AND/OR TV DINNERS READING THIS GLOB OVER YOUR SHOULDER! TURN AROUND BITCH!
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